March 8, 2020 I want to talk about how I feel, but words are difficult to comprise. All I know for sure are the visions playing on repeat- projected on the back of my eyelids. Memories of my sickly, malnourished body with wishes of looking that way again. Even though my face was sore-ridden and […]
Directing his eyes in my direction, only to feel unseen. Seemingly drenched with invisibility Such visions once aroused diminished entirely. No blame to be given for it’s all on me. Worth never to exist internally Resulting from permanent searches proving Love, pain, and humans change constantly. Proof repeated, I’m easy to leave. Cheek flushed, turned […]
February 17, 2020 My brain is really showing its sickness right now. For some reason the AA open discussion topic last night of hitting rock bottom experiences… really brought some fog into my thoughts. Here I am with the wind tunnel on full blast attempting to keep my mind clear, and panes of glass appear […]
Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? The “I got this” mentality will lead me out to get high. Learning to accept that we do things wrong– how to simply feel it and deal with it- surprisingly seems to be the foundation of recovery, even happiness. This shit is […]
Fits of rage fill my arms- but I must prevail. February 5, 2020 Today I am 30 days actually clean and sober. Even if it is but a small feat of accomplishment, I find myself proud. I find myself with more hope than despair for the first time in 12 years. That doesn’t mean I’m […]
Thoughts scream and attempt to claw their way out from the inside of my skull. Such lacerations affect my whole body existing in a constant daze. My eye lids beg to be sewn shut. Taste buds seemingly pull from memory the agonizing bliss of liquors I should never guzzle again. My throat seems to reminisce […]
During three hours of group therapy three times a week, my mind tends to venture off into limitless depths. I write down some thoughts and keep them all in the composition journal titled, “Vel’s Recovery Woes.” The beginning of the entries are sinister, hopeless and full of tortuous self-pity. Cancerous thoughts of how the fuck […]
I’ve neglected myself for 12 years. At the age of 16, I started drinking and smoking pot. By 21, I was dabbling in psychedelics and willing to try some things once. By 23, I was a full-blown functional alcoholic. By 25, I was looking for any opportunity to get out of my mind by using safe substances. By 26, […]
I have so much that I have wanted to say in the last couple days. Per usual, words escape me when I begin a new post, unless I’ve written down any of the shitshow playing through my head through the day. Every struggle is prolific. These confusing realizations steam up my always-dirty glasses with rancid, […]
I’ve gained 20 pounds. 193. I swore I’d never reach 200 again. This factor alone is enough for me to seek meth again. I thought my counselor cared. After seeing him only 10 minutes… I’m not so sure. He told me I’m extremely intelligent and my life is going to go one of two ways […]
Diaries of a Former Meth Whore. 