It is about time I get some heavy shit off of my chest. I know it has been a while since I’ve last posted. And honestly I don’t care if one person reads this – I just have to let these thoughts go somewhere besides the repetitious loop of my head. This is going to […]
There. Are. So. Many. Thoughts. Joy. Confusion. Doubt. Opportunity. Risks. Losses. CHANGE. What ifs. Choices. Silence. Deal with it. Freak out. Calm down. Excitement. Shame. Guilt. Unfounded yet obvious. Enervating. Girl power? WOMAN power…? Be alone. Sit with it. I did this. I don’t wanna do this alone. But I should suck it up. Out […]
Depression. Its plugging up your laptop to write it out and not touching it until a week later. Its isolating yourself from your favorite people due to fear of rejection. Am I annoying them with my sadness? Am I bothering them? Do they even really like me? Am I going to disappoint them by not […]
All it takes is a beautiful dream to set me back on the path of sobriety.
In my most recent rehab treatment, my therapist instructed me to write a letter to my former unhealthy self. The past tweaker me that envied being rail thin. I have to accept that I looked unhealthy- not glamorous. Weight is my biggest trigger for my meth addiction. I thought it was the dream diet. Just eat meth- not food. In reality I looked like a meth head.
With 64 days clean and sober, I am catching myself in the diet pill section at groceries stores. I’m waking up in the mornings searching for my rib cage. The fear of being “fat” wants to take over my recovery. So I go back and read this to remind myself that I wasn’t as beautiful as I thought while on meth. I have to work on myself every day, telling myself I’m beautiful when I’m sober, mentally clear, and my real self.
Allow me to give you so many reasons to never touch meth.
Working at a production plant, my restless brain wanders. These are some notes I wrote while at work.
Basically I’m at a crossroads in my life. I’m sober and trying to stay sober every day. I need happiness – and these are my wonders of how to obtain it.
In summary, I’m clueless.
Well, now. It sure has been a while since I’ve updated. The urge to write has been prevalent but I kept putting it off until I could actually type on a keyboard, because swiping on a tablet or tapping on a phone screen is annoying. For me, words flow better and thoughts spew naturally when […]
April 10, 2020 I’m 95 days clean and told I’ve begun to come alive. I began today wondering if I’m simply on this “pink cloud” people speak of… And if I am, when is it going to pop? I do feel a change within myself; I’m being more positive, which is a major first. The […]
I wrote a description of a developing theory concerning my Higher Power. This came after Step Two, but continues in research and strength with each day in recovery from addiction.
Diaries of a Former Meth Whore. 