After I became pregnant, I spent a year mourning the loss of an “ideal” family for my baby. I worked through grief in many forms. A year later my focus sharpened as I fixated on an infant and not taking my health for granted. And now, coming up on year three, I’ll have a terrible […]
So I don’t know who keeps checking this tragic trash pile. Seeing what blog posts are being read these days is reminding me of so many things I’ve shut out of my mind. I usually just skim the titles clicked and move on. Today I made the decision to read one. Goodness fucking gracious at […]
For the first time in a few years, I smiled at myself in the mirror. Not a forced, instructed smile. A genuine, “I’m proud of you.” I may even be starting to *gulp* love myself. I’m gaining some long lost self respect and am proud of recent decisions. Time passing on, along with therapeutic shadow […]
I believe it’s time to close this chapter. I love journaling. I’ve created some profound entries here. This blog was created as a safe space to get the shit out of my head- and share mistakes as well as triumphs. Processing life’s hardest moments isn’t a neat, linear action. It’s messy. It’s clumsy. Steps go […]
So curiosity got the better of me yesterday while waiting at a doctor’s office. I checked out my list of blog followers. You know whose not on that list anymore? Jack. So I’m finally blocked from his life in every aspect. He has the right to move on. It’s probably better for his mental health […]
Somebody is checking this blog almost daily. I feel obligated to provide. Things are looking up-ish. My brain is still the same but I’m making somewhat better choices. Since I began physical therapy and put in the effort to change my eating habits, I’ve lost right over 20 pounds in three months. I’m doing weight […]
It’s so charming to have one of your therapists tell you, “I really think you should see another psychiatrist. Someone above me.” Perhaps. I’ll most likely just keep doing what I’m doing. Wading through the shallow end of life’s shit-stained swimming pool. I’ll shove my head deeper in its own bullshit until I finally stop […]
I had a realization the other day. 15 months of no sex. And for the first time in my life, I appreciate being sexless. The mere thought of interacting with men gives me the heebie jeebies. I used to base my whole self worth on sex. I used to care if men found me attractive. […]
The want to write is strong these days, it’s whether I have the time. Well, sitting in this disgusting ER with a six hour wait, unable to feel my legs and fingers… seems like I have a minute. I only want to say one thing, really. Cause I’ve had so much time to dwell, process, […]
DNA proves that Jack is the biological father of my beautiful daughter. My chest feels lighter. I have confirmation of what I already knew. Elated isn’t a strong enough description of how I feel right now. I can finally rest my thoughts. I can embrace seeing him in my daughter. Nothing else really matters. Because […]
Diaries of a Former Meth Whore. 