Moving on

I believe it’s time to close this chapter. I love journaling. I’ve created some profound entries here. This blog was created as a safe space to get the shit out of my head- and share mistakes as well as triumphs. Processing life’s hardest moments isn’t a neat, linear action. It’s messy. It’s clumsy. Steps go […]


So curiosity got the better of me yesterday while waiting at a doctor’s office. I checked out my list of blog followers. You know whose not on that list anymore? Jack. So I’m finally blocked from his life in every aspect. He has the right to move on. It’s probably better for his mental health […]

Tick fucking tock

Somebody is checking this blog almost daily. I feel obligated to provide. Things are looking up-ish. My brain is still the same but I’m making somewhat better choices. Since I began physical therapy and put in the effort to change my eating habits, I’ve lost right over 20 pounds in three months. I’m doing weight […]

Drowning in shallow water

It’s so charming to have one of your therapists tell you, “I really think you should see another psychiatrist. Someone above me.” Perhaps. I’ll most likely just keep doing what I’m doing. Wading through the shallow end of life’s shit-stained swimming pool. I’ll shove my head deeper in its own bullshit until I finally stop […]

I’m tired of forcing it

I had a realization the other day. 15 months of no sex. And for the first time in my life, I appreciate being sexless. The mere thought of interacting with men gives me the heebie jeebies. I used to base my whole self worth on sex. I used to care if men found me attractive. […]

Why should I care?

The want to write is strong these days, it’s whether I have the time. Well, sitting in this disgusting ER with a six hour wait, unable to feel my legs and fingers… seems like I have a minute. I only want to say one thing, really. Cause I’ve had so much time to dwell, process, […]

I was right

DNA proves that Jack is the biological father of my beautiful daughter. My chest feels lighter. I have confirmation of what I already knew. Elated isn’t a strong enough description of how I feel right now. I can finally rest my thoughts. I can embrace seeing him in my daughter. Nothing else really matters. Because […]


I. Am. Rejoicing! My daughter’s DNA collection appointment is at the end of this month. By next month, God willing, I will have the answer I’ve longed for since pregnancy. Even though I already know- and can tell by looking at my little girl- to have it be confirmed will literally lift boulders off of […]

Learning to fly

I am no longer a starving, helpless bird devouring trails of crumbs. Wings once battered and drenched have strengthened and dried. Brightly colored, they glide where the soft winds carry. Beginning to fly after years of crawling through mud. I’m no longer asking for kindness where it doesn’t exist or allowing myself to survive on […]

A happy thought

I just want to say… I am so grateful today. My daughter has given life to me as I gave life to her. I no longer belong to my past or my memories. They were simply what was. And now, even when thoughts appear around a momentary sadness, I look at my daughter… and I […]