I had a realization the other day. 15 months of no sex. And for the first time in my life, I appreciate being sexless. The mere thought of interacting with men gives me the heebie jeebies. I used to base my whole self worth on sex. I used to care if men found me attractive. […]
Man. I thought I had some wildly vivid dreams during pregnancy. But they are nothing compared to these postpartum dreams. Dreams these days affect me physically- I can literally feel what’s happening during and after I wake. Currently my daughter is on a 2.5/3 hour sleep schedule through the night. So that means I am […]
As I sit here nursing my beautiful daughter, thousands of thoughts run through my head. I’ve been wanting to write but the last two weeks has been all about my little girl- her learning how to exist and me learning how to be a mom. So far there have been rough days and good days. […]
Thought I’d stop by the blog to commemorate the fact that I’ve made in one year clean from meth and other hard drugs. Considering the last four or so years of my life I’ve struggled with addiction- especially to meth… and strung together only 7ish months of consecutive clean time before my last fall… I […]
There. Are. So. Many. Thoughts. Joy. Confusion. Doubt. Opportunity. Risks. Losses. CHANGE. What ifs. Choices. Silence. Deal with it. Freak out. Calm down. Excitement. Shame. Guilt. Unfounded yet obvious. Enervating. Girl power? WOMAN power…? Be alone. Sit with it. I did this. I don’t wanna do this alone. But I should suck it up. Out […]
All it takes is a beautiful dream to set me back on the path of sobriety.
In my most recent rehab treatment, my therapist instructed me to write a letter to my former unhealthy self. The past tweaker me that envied being rail thin. I have to accept that I looked unhealthy- not glamorous. Weight is my biggest trigger for my meth addiction. I thought it was the dream diet. Just eat meth- not food. In reality I looked like a meth head.
With 64 days clean and sober, I am catching myself in the diet pill section at groceries stores. I’m waking up in the mornings searching for my rib cage. The fear of being “fat” wants to take over my recovery. So I go back and read this to remind myself that I wasn’t as beautiful as I thought while on meth. I have to work on myself every day, telling myself I’m beautiful when I’m sober, mentally clear, and my real self.
Working at a production plant, my restless brain wanders. These are some notes I wrote while at work.
Basically I’m at a crossroads in my life. I’m sober and trying to stay sober every day. I need happiness – and these are my wonders of how to obtain it.
In summary, I’m clueless.
April 10, 2020 I’m 95 days clean and told I’ve begun to come alive. I began today wondering if I’m simply on this “pink cloud” people speak of… And if I am, when is it going to pop? I do feel a change within myself; I’m being more positive, which is a major first. The […]
Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? The “I got this” mentality will lead me out to get high. Learning to accept that we do things wrong– how to simply feel it and deal with it- surprisingly seems to be the foundation of recovery, even happiness. This shit is […]
Diaries of a Former Meth Whore. 