There. Are. So. Many. Thoughts.

Joy.

Confusion.

Doubt.

Opportunity.

Risks.

Losses.

CHANGE.

What ifs.

Choices.

Silence.

Deal with it.

Freak out.

Calm down.

Excitement.

Shame. Guilt. Unfounded yet obvious.

Enervating.

Girl power?

WOMAN power…?

Be alone.

Sit with it.

I did this.

I don’t wanna do this alone.

But I should suck it up.

Out of my mind.

Body feels magical.

But keep my fucking mouth shut.

Ruined.

Forever.

I didn’t wanna ruin anything.

Reality.

Step back.

Get up.

Dreams.

Expenses.

Life as I knew it is over.

So let it go.

Racing thoughts devour my mind. I feel full of purpose but void of explanation. Either way I go I lose something; either way I go, I gain. What was once so important isn’t attainable, or so it seems. I have to sit in each day and process what I’ve done or didn’t do or shouldn’t do each second of each hour.

As much I was used to just shutting my thoughts off for a while. I can’t nor want to do that. I just wanna talk about it. I just wanna listen. I need guidance and right now God is the only one that can provide that.

I’m sitting in the Starbucks watching the busy baristas bump into each other. And my chest felt twice its size, full of trapped air that begged to be released. There are so many thoughts filling up my head that they overfill into my throat and heart cavity until I can’t focus on anything positive in front of me.

So I did my work I needed to do. I sipped my coffee and munched my bagel. And I opened up WordPress to spit this shit out. I’m at a pivotal point in my life in which I’m blindly stepping. I gotta get these thoughts out. Even if for a moment until the cycle repeats and I’m left in my self-produced land of wonder.

Am I okay? I honestly don’t have an answer.

But I will be.