I had a realization the other day. 15 months of no sex. And for the first time in my life, I appreciate being sexless. The mere thought of interacting with men gives me the heebie jeebies. I used to base my whole self worth on sex. I used to care if men found me attractive. […]
Earlier this week I got a text that shook me. “Lumi died.” I immediately went to Facebook only to have it confirmed by the beginnings of a flood of love and condolences by the many that she knew. Lumi had succumbed to the serious physical illnesses that began to plague her body in the last […]
Thought I’d stop by the blog to commemorate the fact that I’ve made in one year clean from meth and other hard drugs. Considering the last four or so years of my life I’ve struggled with addiction- especially to meth… and strung together only 7ish months of consecutive clean time before my last fall… I […]
It is about time I get some heavy shit off of my chest. I know it has been a while since I’ve last posted. And honestly I don’t care if one person reads this – I just have to let these thoughts go somewhere besides the repetitious loop of my head. This is going to […]
Depression. Its plugging up your laptop to write it out and not touching it until a week later. Its isolating yourself from your favorite people due to fear of rejection. Am I annoying them with my sadness? Am I bothering them? Do they even really like me? Am I going to disappoint them by not […]
In my most recent rehab treatment, my therapist instructed me to write a letter to my former unhealthy self. The past tweaker me that envied being rail thin. I have to accept that I looked unhealthy- not glamorous. Weight is my biggest trigger for my meth addiction. I thought it was the dream diet. Just eat meth- not food. In reality I looked like a meth head.
With 64 days clean and sober, I am catching myself in the diet pill section at groceries stores. I’m waking up in the mornings searching for my rib cage. The fear of being “fat” wants to take over my recovery. So I go back and read this to remind myself that I wasn’t as beautiful as I thought while on meth. I have to work on myself every day, telling myself I’m beautiful when I’m sober, mentally clear, and my real self.
Allow me to give you so many reasons to never touch meth.
Well, now. It sure has been a while since I’ve updated. The urge to write has been prevalent but I kept putting it off until I could actually type on a keyboard, because swiping on a tablet or tapping on a phone screen is annoying. For me, words flow better and thoughts spew naturally when […]
April 10, 2020 I’m 95 days clean and told I’ve begun to come alive. I began today wondering if I’m simply on this “pink cloud” people speak of… And if I am, when is it going to pop? I do feel a change within myself; I’m being more positive, which is a major first. The […]
March 8, 2020 I want to talk about how I feel, but words are difficult to comprise. All I know for sure are the visions playing on repeat- projected on the back of my eyelids. Memories of my sickly, malnourished body with wishes of looking that way again. Even though my face was sore-ridden and […]
Diaries of a Former Meth Whore. 