I had a realization the other day. 15 months of no sex. And for the first time in my life, I appreciate being sexless. The mere thought of interacting with men gives me the heebie jeebies. I used to base my whole self worth on sex. I used to care if men found me attractive. […]
Earlier this week I got a text that shook me. “Lumi died.” I immediately went to Facebook only to have it confirmed by the beginnings of a flood of love and condolences by the many that she knew. Lumi had succumbed to the serious physical illnesses that began to plague her body in the last […]
Man. I thought I had some wildly vivid dreams during pregnancy. But they are nothing compared to these postpartum dreams. Dreams these days affect me physically- I can literally feel what’s happening during and after I wake. Currently my daughter is on a 2.5/3 hour sleep schedule through the night. So that means I am […]
As I sit here nursing my beautiful daughter, thousands of thoughts run through my head. I’ve been wanting to write but the last two weeks has been all about my little girl- her learning how to exist and me learning how to be a mom. So far there have been rough days and good days. […]
Thought I’d stop by the blog to commemorate the fact that I’ve made in one year clean from meth and other hard drugs. Considering the last four or so years of my life I’ve struggled with addiction- especially to meth… and strung together only 7ish months of consecutive clean time before my last fall… I […]
There. Are. So. Many. Thoughts. Joy. Confusion. Doubt. Opportunity. Risks. Losses. CHANGE. What ifs. Choices. Silence. Deal with it. Freak out. Calm down. Excitement. Shame. Guilt. Unfounded yet obvious. Enervating. Girl power? WOMAN power…? Be alone. Sit with it. I did this. I don’t wanna do this alone. But I should suck it up. Out […]
Depression. Its plugging up your laptop to write it out and not touching it until a week later. Its isolating yourself from your favorite people due to fear of rejection. Am I annoying them with my sadness? Am I bothering them? Do they even really like me? Am I going to disappoint them by not […]
All it takes is a beautiful dream to set me back on the path of sobriety.
In my most recent rehab treatment, my therapist instructed me to write a letter to my former unhealthy self. The past tweaker me that envied being rail thin. I have to accept that I looked unhealthy- not glamorous. Weight is my biggest trigger for my meth addiction. I thought it was the dream diet. Just eat meth- not food. In reality I looked like a meth head.
With 64 days clean and sober, I am catching myself in the diet pill section at groceries stores. I’m waking up in the mornings searching for my rib cage. The fear of being “fat” wants to take over my recovery. So I go back and read this to remind myself that I wasn’t as beautiful as I thought while on meth. I have to work on myself every day, telling myself I’m beautiful when I’m sober, mentally clear, and my real self.
Allow me to give you so many reasons to never touch meth.
Diaries of a Former Meth Whore. 