I had a realization the other day. 15 months of no sex. And for the first time in my life, I appreciate being sexless. The mere thought of interacting with men gives me the heebie jeebies. I used to base my whole self worth on sex. I used to care if men found me attractive. […]
Earlier this week I got a text that shook me. “Lumi died.” I immediately went to Facebook only to have it confirmed by the beginnings of a flood of love and condolences by the many that she knew. Lumi had succumbed to the serious physical illnesses that began to plague her body in the last […]
Man. I thought I had some wildly vivid dreams during pregnancy. But they are nothing compared to these postpartum dreams. Dreams these days affect me physically- I can literally feel what’s happening during and after I wake. Currently my daughter is on a 2.5/3 hour sleep schedule through the night. So that means I am […]
As I sit here nursing my beautiful daughter, thousands of thoughts run through my head. I’ve been wanting to write but the last two weeks has been all about my little girl- her learning how to exist and me learning how to be a mom. So far there have been rough days and good days. […]
There. Are. So. Many. Thoughts. Joy. Confusion. Doubt. Opportunity. Risks. Losses. CHANGE. What ifs. Choices. Silence. Deal with it. Freak out. Calm down. Excitement. Shame. Guilt. Unfounded yet obvious. Enervating. Girl power? WOMAN power…? Be alone. Sit with it. I did this. I don’t wanna do this alone. But I should suck it up. Out […]
Allow me to give you so many reasons to never touch meth.
April 10, 2020 I’m 95 days clean and told I’ve begun to come alive. I began today wondering if I’m simply on this “pink cloud” people speak of… And if I am, when is it going to pop? I do feel a change within myself; I’m being more positive, which is a major first. The […]
Directing his eyes in my direction, only to feel unseen. Seemingly drenched with invisibility Such visions once aroused diminished entirely. No blame to be given for it’s all on me. Worth never to exist internally Resulting from permanent searches proving Love, pain, and humans change constantly. Proof repeated, I’m easy to leave. Cheek flushed, turned […]
Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? The “I got this” mentality will lead me out to get high. Learning to accept that we do things wrong– how to simply feel it and deal with it- surprisingly seems to be the foundation of recovery, even happiness. This shit is […]
During three hours of group therapy three times a week, my mind tends to venture off into limitless depths. I write down some thoughts and keep them all in the composition journal titled, “Vel’s Recovery Woes.” The beginning of the entries are sinister, hopeless and full of tortuous self-pity. Cancerous thoughts of how the fuck […]
Diaries of a Former Meth Whore. 