I. Am. Rejoicing! My daughter’s DNA collection appointment is at the end of this month. By next month, God willing, I will have the answer I’ve longed for since pregnancy. Even though I already know- and can tell by looking at my little girl- to have it be confirmed will literally lift boulders off of […]
I am no longer a starving, helpless bird devouring trails of crumbs. Wings once battered and drenched have strengthened and dried. Brightly colored, they glide where the soft winds carry. Beginning to fly after years of crawling through mud. I’m no longer asking for kindness where it doesn’t exist or allowing myself to survive on […]
I just want to say… I am so grateful today. My daughter has given life to me as I gave life to her. I no longer belong to my past or my memories. They were simply what was. And now, even when thoughts appear around a momentary sadness, I look at my daughter… and I […]
Recently it was revealed to me that I am poisonous. I’m a cancer. A pariah. A liar. A whore. Sucking life out of everyone around me, using people for my benefit. My feelings amount to nothing and my mistakes are unforgivable. I demolished the one I cared the most about. I’m an enemy. A life […]
Alone, the mind plays tricks. Retrieving folders that should be collecting dust from the file cabinet of my mind. Pressing play on the VCR. Looping tragic memories that I still find beautiful. Hypothesizing impossibilities. “What ifs” are my worst enemies. Hopeless rationalization morphs into passing considerations. Transfixed on things lost and absent. Sorrow casting its […]
Earlier this week I got a text that shook me. “Lumi died.” I immediately went to Facebook only to have it confirmed by the beginnings of a flood of love and condolences by the many that she knew. Lumi had succumbed to the serious physical illnesses that began to plague her body in the last […]
Man. I thought I had some wildly vivid dreams during pregnancy. But they are nothing compared to these postpartum dreams. Dreams these days affect me physically- I can literally feel what’s happening during and after I wake. Currently my daughter is on a 2.5/3 hour sleep schedule through the night. So that means I am […]
As I sit here nursing my beautiful daughter, thousands of thoughts run through my head. I’ve been wanting to write but the last two weeks has been all about my little girl- her learning how to exist and me learning how to be a mom. So far there have been rough days and good days. […]
Used. That’s how it feels to realize I was simply a cumrag to someone I felt immense love for. I ended up being nothing but a hole he freely came in. Someone I had intense history with. Someone I thought cared about me as a person. I was not a person to him in the […]
Thought I’d stop by the blog to commemorate the fact that I’ve made in one year clean from meth and other hard drugs. Considering the last four or so years of my life I’ve struggled with addiction- especially to meth… and strung together only 7ish months of consecutive clean time before my last fall… I […]
Diaries of a Former Meth Whore. 