It is about time I get some heavy shit off of my chest. I know it has been a while since I’ve last posted. And honestly I don’t care if one person reads this – I just have to let these thoughts go somewhere besides the repetitious loop of my head. This is going to […]
There. Are. So. Many. Thoughts. Joy. Confusion. Doubt. Opportunity. Risks. Losses. CHANGE. What ifs. Choices. Silence. Deal with it. Freak out. Calm down. Excitement. Shame. Guilt. Unfounded yet obvious. Enervating. Girl power? WOMAN power…? Be alone. Sit with it. I did this. I don’t wanna do this alone. But I should suck it up. Out […]
Depression. Its plugging up your laptop to write it out and not touching it until a week later. Its isolating yourself from your favorite people due to fear of rejection. Am I annoying them with my sadness? Am I bothering them? Do they even really like me? Am I going to disappoint them by not […]
In my most recent rehab treatment, my therapist instructed me to write a letter to my former unhealthy self. The past tweaker me that envied being rail thin. I have to accept that I looked unhealthy- not glamorous. Weight is my biggest trigger for my meth addiction. I thought it was the dream diet. Just eat meth- not food. In reality I looked like a meth head.
With 64 days clean and sober, I am catching myself in the diet pill section at groceries stores. I’m waking up in the mornings searching for my rib cage. The fear of being “fat” wants to take over my recovery. So I go back and read this to remind myself that I wasn’t as beautiful as I thought while on meth. I have to work on myself every day, telling myself I’m beautiful when I’m sober, mentally clear, and my real self.
Allow me to give you so many reasons to never touch meth.
Working at a production plant, my restless brain wanders. These are some notes I wrote while at work.
Basically I’m at a crossroads in my life. I’m sober and trying to stay sober every day. I need happiness – and these are my wonders of how to obtain it.
In summary, I’m clueless.
March 8, 2020 I want to talk about how I feel, but words are difficult to comprise. All I know for sure are the visions playing on repeat- projected on the back of my eyelids. Memories of my sickly, malnourished body with wishes of looking that way again. Even though my face was sore-ridden and […]
Directing his eyes in my direction, only to feel unseen. Seemingly drenched with invisibility Such visions once aroused diminished entirely. No blame to be given for it’s all on me. Worth never to exist internally Resulting from permanent searches proving Love, pain, and humans change constantly. Proof repeated, I’m easy to leave. Cheek flushed, turned […]
During three hours of group therapy three times a week, my mind tends to venture off into limitless depths. I write down some thoughts and keep them all in the composition journal titled, “Vel’s Recovery Woes.” The beginning of the entries are sinister, hopeless and full of tortuous self-pity. Cancerous thoughts of how the fuck […]
I’ve gained 20 pounds. 193. I swore I’d never reach 200 again. This factor alone is enough for me to seek meth again. I thought my counselor cared. After seeing him only 10 minutes… I’m not so sure. He told me I’m extremely intelligent and my life is going to go one of two ways […]
Diaries of a Former Meth Whore. 